Thursday, June 9, 2011

Thoughts of Grandpa

I get on face book and I look at my profile picture, grandpa and me on the day I graduated high school, I want to change it. I want to move on from this, it doesn't feel right yet. I didn’t get to spend as much time with him as I wanted to, I didn’t get to talk to him as often as I wanted too. Probably because for a long time I just assumed I had time. I didn’t have enough time, I need more time.

It hurts too much to read the memories that are on the website. I struggle with it because I wish I had more time, for as much as I loved him I should have gone to him and created more memories. I guess this is what death is, the should have’s and the could have’s. I don’t talk to anyone about it because the last thing I want to hear is people telling me that I should be happy with the memories I have, he loved me, everything I don’t want to hear right now. I’m living in should have and could have moments and I can’t change them.

I always played pool to impress Grandpa, I loved it. I loved making him proud with my shots and form. The thing I loved more than playing was watching him play. Grandpa would play with grace and confidence. He was never overly confident, but I think deep down he knew how good he was. The way he would glide the stick along his fingers amazed me, it has been the only thing that ever looked natural to me. There are times in your life where something just makes sense, this was my moment. Grandpa and his pool stick just made sense. He’d never hit the ball to hard, he’d never hit it to soft. Grandpa and pool go together like ping and pong, it was poetic the way he played. I remember looking at his face in games, his eyes focused deeply on the cue ball, but his overall facial expression just looked content. I’ve watched professional players and they never have the look Grandpa had. I never realized how much I focused on him playing until recently, I don’t know that I’ve ever given this much attention to anything else in my life.

I have yet to pick up a pool stick, I have yet to meet my friends at the pool hall. I don’t know that I will again…I guess pool right now just doesn’t make sense to me.

I love you Grandpa,


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Very well written, I know 'the look' you describe. :) If you're currently in the 'should have' and 'could have' moments, there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone participates in, remembers and grieves the end of life in their own way. Nobody can tell you where you should be or what you should feel or what you should be thankful for. If that's where you are, then it's because thats where you should be. Your time frame is the right time frame for you.